Monachopsis: n. The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
Monachopsis describes how I feel at this moment in my life. Out of place. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m in the middle of being, and doing, so many different things at one time. I’m a student who’s about to not be a student for the first time in over 18 years. I’m entering into a new territory known as the “real world.” I didn’t even stick to studying one thing while in college. I’ve been studying music and business if you haven’t caught on to that yet. I still have too many interests for my own good and I feel pulled in different directions just so that I can learn more about them.
The thing is I’ve never been good at knowing what I want until it is too late or I have to make my decision in a split second. So I’ve started slowly compiling a list of the things I know without a doubt that I want. So far this is what I’ve got.
- To get a tattoo.
- To live abroad.
- To own my own business.
- To get a Master’s in Marketing.
- To develop healthy habits that actually stick.
- To let go.
I’m on my way to fulfilling some of those. So what am I trying to get to here? That no matter how awful your day was or how anxious you are for your interview or how badly you did on that last test or how behind schedule you are for graduation, homework, or whatever else, that you’re lucky and you have the ability to do something about it. It all comes down to letting go. Loving yourself means letting go.
One of the most ridiculous aspects of life are these imaginary boundaries that people put up and surround themselves with. In reality, they only exist in our minds. If I wanted to drop out of college and move to Hawaii right now I could. There is literally nothing stopping me. Money? I can get a job. Sell my belongings. Borrow from people who want to give me a hand, ultimately paying them back later. My house? I’m on a lease. I can find a subleaser. Or I can just bite the bullet and continue paying rent until the lease is up. My degree? I graduate in a month. I could just quit. There is nothing holding me back. Except for the fact that I really want my degree and I’M ONLY A MONTH AWAY. In reality though, I could be sitting on the beach in Hawaii, sipping on a pina colada, this time next week if I really wanted to. It’s all about letting go.
For the longest time I believed I could control almost every aspect of my life. That’s a type a personality for you right there. If I’ve learned anything this past year it’s that as people we don’t have the power to ensure that everything in our life stays on track and goes the way we foresee it. “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” That’s one of the most honest sentences I’ve ever read. Thanks William Shakespeare.
So I’m in the process of learning about myself. And I’m in the process of truly learning to love myself. That means something different for every person, but for me that means letting go. That means breathing a bit more and learning to tell the negative self-talk to shut up, that I got this, and I’m great. That means believing in the process and knowing that the worst thing that can come my way is a different route with new adventures and challenges. Sometimes I need a little pep talk from people in my life.
My advice for people who feel similar to me, who feel out of place, and are anxious about the future? Just go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? Not fitting into the standards of what’s expected of you? You shouldn’t judge where you are at in life based off of where someone else is at. You are on your own journey. You are living your own separate life.
I feel like I’ve finally come into my own with this advice. At least I’m finally starting to let go. I don’t necessarily feel that I’m in the right place, but I have this gut feeling that I’m on the way to getting there. I’m lucky to have had this past year of extreme growth where I’m finally starting to accept and grow into who I am. I’m lucky to be healthy and I’m doing my best to become even healthier. I’m lucky to have options in my future that are exciting and unknown and slightly terrifying.
You are lucky too. We all are. We’re breathing.
Thanks for reading my thoughtful rant. Be sure to check out the rest of my blog while you’re at it.